Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Almighty is Recruiting Staff for Ron Johnson's Campaign

This email has been making the rounds in town and finally reached us yesterday:



Hark! O My Brethren said...

Ya know..every time a Conspicuously Religious Person wants to do something they always ALWAYS say "after a lot of prayer I DECIDED God wants me to do this".

It gives their ego-bound impulses and personal desires a hell of a lotta gravitas, and also serves to avoid any criticism, since God is already on their team. Claim Jesus as yer BFF and you can't ever be wrong or SELFISH.

It works for everything - you can "decide" God wants you to eat a tuna melt OR blow up the Trade Center, or even fuck that Intern or altar boy. Let's not even talk about freaky-ass FOOTBALL, cuz you KNOW God likes only YOUR team and hopes the other guys get their bones ground to dust...

In my own case, I prayed for several hours with my face all scrunched up and my eyes squeezed tight (why do religious TV guys always make that Constipation Face right on camera? is that supposed to be APPEALING???!) so yeah, after that I decided that God WANTS me to be really snarky and idiotic in blog comments. He also thinks it's best if I never bother to sign in or use my real name and yet act like you should know who I am. That some people actually DO know who I am is proof that the Holy Spirit moved across the waters of your cerebellums and caused my nameth to be knowneth unto youse guys. I probably should be embarrassed, but Fucketh It.

oh yeah I almost forgot - God also wants me to remind everyone that the last time Tony Palmeri got elected he had the number 666 in unbroken sequence in the total vote number. So it's pretty obvious what's goin' on there.

And finally, whatever your religious affiliation, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask that you pray earnestly that I get all my most trivial wishes fulfilled. I could probably do without a FEW things but you know how persistent God is when he decides I should be happy.
Bless you my children.

CJ said...


Gosh darn it hark- I was going to comment, but you hit all my point and left me in fits of laughter.

God wants me to leave it at that.

Hark hark the dogs do bark said...

well that's mighty kind of you to say lil' woman

but I'm also sure that it takes more than one voice to make a Heavenly Choir so I am sure Mr. Al Mighty wants you to yodel more than you do.