Monday, March 24, 2008

Say No to Douchebaggery on the Wisconsin Supreme Court

I think it's high time I chime in on the subject of the state supreme court race. I don't think I've even mentioned it once on this blog -- and I have to confess that I've done all that I can to ignore it because I figured it was going to be just as much of a clusterfuck as it turned out to be.

Now, I consider myself to be a responsible voter -- someone who weighs a good deal of research, looks at positions, the issues, resumes, etc. -- but for this particular race I did none of that. I didn't need to. I took one look at Mike Gableman's picture and knew right away that I was not going to vote for him and there was nothing he could say or do about it to change my mind. Why? Because Mike Gableman is a douchebag.

Look at him. That robe may say "Your Honor," but that smirk says "I'm a douche." And what's with the book? Did a portrait photographer just happen to catch Gableman unawares while he was studiously examining some precedent of some kind? Of course not. It's a prop. Douchebags love props. Take this douchebag, for example:

See? This asshead isn't even wearing any clothes! He's all about his frickin' props: he's got his bling, a wristband (for some reason), his community college class ring ... and, most importantly, his woman -- who really isn't anything more in this picture than an elaborate prop. Jesus, even this guy's hand is essentially functioning as a prop what with the horizontal V gesture that means something I'm not familiar with (or could just be a lazy man's "shocker").

So you see what I mean: Douchebags love props. There are so many examples of this being true I will leave up to you to find the photographic evidence. The only thing this dude's missing is an alcoholic beverage of some kind in the other hand, because douchebags have only two purposes in life: drinking beer and banging bitches. Basically, douchebags use their props to project the tools of their chosen lifestyle: "Dude, check me out -- grinding against this chick and drinking this Red Bull and Vodka! I. Am. Awesome!" Gableman's doing the same thing by holding a book he's probably never even read: "Dude, check me out -- I'm reading the law, and shit. I. Am. Awesome!"

I know a thing or two about douchebags. I even went to college with a few douchebags ... who were all right, I guess. We were just from two different places -- you know what I mean? But since entering the "real world" I've been thwarted by douchebags at every stage of my life. Take this guy, for instance:

The fact that this guys "♥ Freshman Girls" basically guaranteed that I spent my freshman year bitter, lonely and with a lot of free Friday nights. Then the dick has go ahead and rub it in my face by wearing a douchebag-approved iron-on t-shirt. And dudes like this putz --

-- would be doing the same thing if that were an issue these days. What's going on here? Some kind of affirmative action program that is enabling douchebags to copulate with younger women? Where's the justice in that?

But it's the expression on Gableman's doughy face that reveals his inner 'bag. Every time I see it I want to create a thought bubble above that reads: "I would totally nail my clerk ... if I had one." That smirk just sends my 'bag-dar off the charts like a Geiger counter at Chernobyl. I've seen that look a million times on guys who'd be at the bar back-slapping their old friends from high school and endlessly recounting the deeds of their glory days and mischievous youth ...

It's the look of a guy who has probably thrown more than his share of beads at Marti Gras in the French Quarter. It's a look that I'd expect to see on Drew, the O-face guy from Office Space, once he gets promoted to middle management. It's the look this kid's probably gonna have in a few years:
Would we elect this lil' douche to the highest court in the state? I sincerely doubt it.

There. I think it was finally time that someone just came out and said the obvious. I mean, it's plain as day ... and this is a historic election: Wisconsin's first race for a supreme court seat that features a douchebag. And since douchebaggery has been in the news on the national scene lately I thought it might help if I broke the ice a bit.

Now some people may accuse me of anti-douchebag bigotry or they might suggest that the Butler team has run a dirty campaign full of TV ads that prey on the historical tensions between douches and us normal folks. That's all bullshit. Everyone knows douchebags aren't "tough on crime," which is just a code phrase that means "douchebags" (because it's like a crime against humanity when those people get hot chicks).

Seriously, imagine what the supreme court will look like if we elect a douchebag to the bench? Will lawyers have to take questions from some guy dressed like this:

God, I hope not.

[Most pictures were ripped off from Hot Chicks With I think you'll be able to figure out which ones on your own.]