Thursday, March 20, 2008

The MySpace: Meet Twiggy

Ah, young love ...

So fragile and innocent ... so exciting and pure ... something so new that it seems to hold the secret of eternal bliss wrapped in it's mysterious folds. Why it's even been known to bring more then a few men to rhyme over the years:

If it's Youth ye seek and Youth ye find,
The public displays of affection are surly not far behind.

It's a work in progress ...

I suppose flipping through MySpace pages and expecting not to find images of kids these days slobbering all over each other is a lot like going to the mall and expecting not to find teenagers making out in the food court -- it's just not going to happen. But the beauty of these networking sites is that you can dig into the context of these otherwise anonymous relationships should you be so inclined. We tend to be a curious lot -- sometimes just plain nosy -- so, yes, we are inclined.

The young man in the picture above is an interesting fellow. Prospective fathers-in-law might want to take note because he might show up at your front door, looking to take your daughter out for a night on the town looking like this:

Folks, meet Twiggy. Twiggy's not his real name, just the nickname we settled on. His actual handle is far more frightening then the picture above: "I Love her so much 4 ever & ever." I'm serious. The "her" in question appears to be this young lad's girlfriend, presumably the gal seen above receiving soft kisses from dear Twiggy ...

Hey, would you like to see another picture of this guy? Of course, you would!

Now, I'm not really sure which one is Twiggy, but then again I don't think it really matters. They're both dressed like psychotic clowns and holding axes. Perhaps I should be a little less judgmental, but I tend to think that the only person running around with an ax in his hands should be Paul fucking Bunyon. If I'm Twiggy's girlfriend I should be running through a checklist of red flags that might suggest finding love elsewhere:

Let me see now ... wears make-up? Check. Has his own ax? Check. Obsessively declares his undying love for me. Gotcha!

Can someone explain to me which one of these variables stops making Twiggy a "serial killer" and starts making him a "keeper"?

See, Twiggy is an adherent of something called the Insane Clown Posse, which is a musical outfit that is, in fact, just as ridiculous as it sounds. Evidently, fans of this rap/horrorcore duo's music call themselves "Juggaloes," which I assume is some suburban white trash appropriation of the word gigolo, which is ironic because I can't imagine that dudes who dress up like sociopathic clowns and listen to shitty music get laid very often.

But, ladies, that's not all! Twiggy's got much more to offer. His page says he's 22 years old, but his taste in movies says he's about 13:

Dukes of Hazzard, childs play 1,2,3, bride of chucky, and seed of chucky, big money hustlers, twiztid Born tiwztid, Harold and kumar go to white castle, Beverly hillbillies, Hot shots 1 and 2, Jay and silent bob strike back,Clerks 2, soroity boys, and scary movie 1,2, and 3
Sorority Boys? I'm amazed there is someone in this world who will actually admit to having seen that movie, to say nothing of someone listing it as one of their favorites.

Anyway, Twiggy is not only a connoisseur of fine cinema but he also smokes weed. Like, a lot of weed. Judging by the recurring visual references to marijuana on his page, Twiggy smokes only the dankest weed this side of Kingston ... We get it, Tough Guy: you're a badass, you're hard-core.

We're not going to fault Twiggy for his love of herb -- hell, the only way we could be made to watch just about any of the movies Twiggy says he actually enjoys would be if we were stoned out of our gourds. In fact, Twiggy's ganja habit actually got us thinking: these social networking sites must be a godsend for computer savvy and enterprising drug dealers. Maybe Twiggy himself will someday aspire to such greatness -- provided he puts down the face paint for long enough to get a clue.

1 comment:

Douglas McCloud said...


This illustrates my argument against universal healthcare or universal health insurance. I worked hard to get where I am and I continue to work hard for my salary, benefits and to pay taxes. However, I do not pay taxes so some putz, to wit Mr Twiggy, can sit on his ass all day and have his every health care need paid for-by my taxes-while he plays make believe axe murderer in his parent’s basement.

I’m not a conservative nor am I a liberal: I am a pragmatist. This isn’t about compassion it is about being practical. Anyone out there who thinks paying for this kid’s health insurance or healthcare with my money is an idiot.