A Few Good Metal Heads

The Army -- not the USO, mind you, but the actual Army -- is looking for a rock'n'roll band to entertain the troops. Nothing wrong with that, but doing a tour in Afghanistan (where you will play such reputable venues as Bagram Airbase, which, as everyone knows, is where the Ramones got their start) is a little bit more involved that doing your standard gig at the Eagle's Ballroom. For one thing, the funding allocation form is 47 pages long (PDF). For another, the band's behavior may be monitored for quality control purposes:

Any criminal conduct, unexcused tardiness or absence which prevents timely starting of the performance(s) required hereunder, indecency or obscenity, drunkenness, damage to Government property, failure to discharge indebtedness to the Government, influence of narcotics or hallucinatory drugs, threatening breach of national security, violation of the rules and regulations of the Host Nation, Government or TFF MWR are grounds for termination of this contract.

Unexcused tardiness? When has a band ever been on time? And "influence of narcotics," etc. ... Really? Isn't that the reason why most bands are late to the show in the first place?

Anyway, if you like to rock, are looking to see some exotic places on the other side of the world, and are called the Mormon Tabernacle Choir -- please call your local Army recruiter.