End Times are Right Times for Me!

Almost every Sunday, without fail, the following happens: the Sunday night football game gets a little before 11:00 and I end up spending the next 15 or so minutes flipping through the channels, eventually stopping on the Jack Van Impe show. I know better. I know I should just keep on moving down the dial, but I simply can not help myself. I have to watch. The only possible explanation for this phenomenon is that the power of Christ compels me to watch the goddamn Jack Van Impe show.

For those who have never seen this awe-inspiring piece of television, here's the rub: At some point in Mr. Van Impe's life he decided to get married to Skeletor. Now he has a TV show where, Skeletor reads him the events of the week and Mr. Van Impe offers his commentary on how all of those events are signs of the apocalypse. He backs up his claims with a what seems like an encyclopedic knowledge of scripture, but in reality what he does with the cited passages is sheer sorcery.

Anyway, as someone who kind of pays some marginal degree of attention on an infrequent basis, I've notice that his version of the End Times is a little inconsistent. Apparently I just have not been paying enough attention because Van Impe's got it all mapped out -- literally.

Anyway, this map supposedly explains everything, so when the Antichrist manifests himself and brings forth Armageddon, please use this guide as a point of reference ...

And in the unlikely event of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.