Saturday, May 16, 2009

Smoking! Nudity! Kevin Fischer!

Kevin Fischer -- Franklin, Wisconsin's favorite factotum of frivolity -- has predictably been in high dudgeon over the smoking ban, reaching into his bag of cliches to present this worn and tired argument:
This is nuts, an overreaching bill that strips away individual and property rights and kills businesses and jobs.
And elsewhere:
For many, the prospect of banning smoking in PRIVATELY-OWNED bars and PRIVATELY-OWNED restaurants, no doubt, has them in absolute glee.
Got that? One problem: Fischer has no compunction stripping "away individual and property rights" when it's in a different context:
Like most small towns in the good ol’ U.S. of A., I’m sure Vassalboro is hurting for business and, let’s face it, excitement. What could little Vassalboro possibly do to help resolve both problems in one swift move? What would increase business, possibly tourism and create jobs and give the Vassalboro townsfolk something to buzz about?

Give up?

Try a topless coffee shop.

On January 6, 2008, after a three-hour meeting, the Vassalboro town planning board unanimously approved a proposal by local businessman Donald Crabtree to open a coffee shop featuring topless waitresses. The new venture, set to open as soon as next month, would be at the former Mac Daddy's Pub at the Fat Cat Grille (naturally) that has been vacant for over three years.

According to a published report, there would be “Topless service between 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. to 25 tables arranged on a checkerboard floor behind blacked-out windows and a cordon of security.”

[...]

That must have been some meeting on January 6 when the planning board threw up their hands and proclaimed their hands were tied. Their weak defense was that they had no choice because there was no local ordinance prohibiting a topless coffee shop.

Well then, create one!

[...]

U
hh, excuse me. You did have a choice, especially considering that a crowd of up to 60 showed up at the meeting to oppose topless coffee. You could have, in the best interests of the town and in deference to the large crowd that attended your meeting voted………….
NO!

[...]

Townspeople in Vassalboro, as much as it might sting, you lost to a bunch of cowardly morons. A cup of coffee just isn’t worth it. Boycott the damn place, put it out of business, and then vote the el stupido’s out of office.
Just to recap:
Smoking in a private establishments = valiant defense of personal liberty.

Toplessness in equally private establishments = an affront to American Decency.
(And while we're equivocating, here's another slice of Fischerian wisdom:
1 pair of bare breasts behind the blackened windows of a private establishment = an affront to American Decency

281 pairs of barely covered breasts on parade = Awesome!
Moving on ...)

Thankfully, Fischer's credibility as a public health expert is about as air tight as his ideological consistency in this matter and no one takes him very seriously except for like-minds he presumably whips up into a berserker rampage, but the next time Fischer brings out the old "defense of property rights" hobby horse, kindly remind him that he's full of shit.

4 comments:

CJ said...

...and we had a massive uproar over the Tilted Kilt....

Man, Oshkosh is such a provincial town.

random n00b said...

Music on autoplay???!!!

omg
nooooooooooooooooooooo

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