Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Profiles in Wankery

This may be the most ridiculous news article I've read in ages:
A 34 year old man who legally owned a handgun carried it out in the open in his holster for protection. Neighbors say they knew he was always armed.

"It was kind of scary to just see him walking around all the time with that gun kind of just out in the open," said Shambria Mayham Autman. She lives near Teutonia and Good Hope and said they called him "the guy with the gun."

But it wasn't scary for at least one person who robbed the "guy with the gun" gunpoint. Police say the suspect struggled with the holster so the victim helped him get his own gun and the criminal now at two guns [sic.].

1.) I'm completely agnostic about the legality of open/concealed carry laws. I simply don't care one way or another. But I generally do tend to think that people who feel the need to open carry have more to be worry about from their own paranoia than from violent street crime.

Here was this dude's chance to prove me wrong! Here was his time to shine! ... And what does he do? He hands his gun over to the dude sticking him up!!! What the holy fuck is the point of open carry if you're just going to hand over your piece at the first sign of trouble?

2.) This guy obviously makes his neighbors uncomfortable. You don't need to be walking around with a gun tied to your belt to do this, but this is the method he has adopted to display his insecurities to the neighborhood.

I hope this guy can never walk down the street without hearing the snickers of the neighbors he made nervous in the past.

3.) Is that girl's middle name seriously "Mayham"? What the fuck kind of middle name is that? Am I going to start seeing kids named "Chaos," "Anarchy" and/or "Pandemonium"?

Do not name your child after your high school death metal band.

Moving on:
The victim didn't want to go on camera.
No shit...
[The man] said he carried the gun because he had been jumped and held up at knife point in the past. He believes, in his case, open carry made him a target and he will no longer do it.
Irony of ironies...
He said his case proves gun owners should have the right to carry concealed weapons. Clark agrees.
So Clark really isn't so much about carry, so much as about letting every carry guns however the fuck they want to. Good to know.

Clark goes on to say some more bullshit, like insinuating that the dude was walking in a high crime neighborhood -- which is always true when a white man is walking around in a red Polo shirt tucked into beige, pleated khaki pants -- but the best part of his presence in this article is that WTMJ had to run out and find a lobbyist to balance out the utter emasculation doled out by a neighborhood girl named Mayham earlier in the article.

Bravo, WTMJ, this is the craziest shit I've read in a loooooong time.


Anonymous said...

awesome rant <3 <3 <3


"a high crime neighborhood -- which is always true when a white man is walking around in a red Polo shirt tucked into beige, plated khaki pants"

I could really use this little guy right about now

Anonymous said...

oh BTW - I would suggest you have a Best Band Name contest but I would win so...might as well save people the trouble

Screaming Monkey Boner

still tops all. Imagine the t-shirt designs.

Anonymous said...

sorry. but I just have to pimp my mad mad Photoshop skills