Dial 1 for Asinine

Immigrants should learn native language

In response to Dave Johnson of Coloma:

Learning a new language is in fact a daunting task. However it is the situation every immigrant chooses to put themselves in.

I, personally, would never consider even visiting another country without learning at least enough to make my visit pleasant a priority.

I have personally observed immigrants use their "inability" to understand English to their advantage on more than one occasion.

Perhaps a better question for Dave to ask is what happened to the times when immigrants were happy to shed the binds of their former homeland to become English-speaking Americans?

I simply ask why should I, a taxpaying citizen whose father served 20 years in our nations military, have to "Push 1 for English"?

Michelle Carlson Oshkosh

[Dave Johnson's letter to the editor can be found here.]

There's something interesting going on in this exchange that I tend to think happens quite often during the immigration debate. David Johnson's original letter makes a simple -- and I would go so far as to say undeniable -- fact: learning a language is hard. I'm not even going to bother describing it as a "second" language because most people spend the entirety of their lives learning to communicate with others whether it's with a musical instrument, mathematics, or whatever. Most of the hard part of learning the basics of complicated professions such as law or medicine is simply getting getting to know the language of of the human anatomy or jurisprudence -- and nearly every other type of employment has its own lingo one has to grapple with.

Basically, what I'm saying is that people never stop learning "second" languages.

Johnson has some sympathy for this, but he doesn't exact get this point across in his letter because he's too busy insinuating people who haven't had the chance to learn a second language are lazy or stupid. Naturally people are going to be insulted by that, but Carlson's response is so pathetic that it almost proves Johnson's implication.

Let's just take a look at this letter line by line.

Learning a new language is in fact a daunting task.

Great. Couldn't have said it better. She starts out strong with a simple, easy to understand premise. I'm on board and as a reader am ready to give her my ticket to where ever the hell it is that she's going to take me.

However it is the situation every immigrant chooses to put themselves in.

Slow down there, Hoss. This is a statement that has two sides to it, one of which is entirely ignored. Sure, the decision to pick pick up one's stakes and make one's way to a new land is indeed a rational decision one makes, but very frequently the factors (such as the economic conditions of the country that's being left) that lead to that decision can be out of the control of the immigrant. People born in America don't really have any other place to go to if they're looking for a better environment for economic prosperity.

I, personally, would never consider even visiting another country without learning at least enough to make my visit pleasant a priority.

Ahhhh, now it comes out: "I, personally..." This isn't about any kind of policy discussion or social problem. This is simply a letter by someone who has been insulted and now wants to prove to others that she is not a knuckle-dragging mouth-breather, but is, in fact, a cultured world traveler who makes Marco Polo look like a punk. And what's with this absolutely inane claim that she would "never consider even visiting another country without learning at least enough to make my visit pleasant a priority." What the hell does that mean? I would never think about possibly considering pondering the potential option of maybe going some place?

And just what exactly does it mean to make a "visit pleasant"? Pleasant for whom? Will Ms. Carlson not be visiting France until she can properly order dinner in a restaurant from a menu written in French or will she do what every one does and ask the waiter if he speaks English?

Then there's the little bit about the "visit." Equating immigrating to a foreign country with a long weekend spent at the ClubMed Antigua does nothing for your case.

I have personally observed immigrants use their "inability" to understand English to their advantage on more than one occasion.

Go on...

No, please, go on...

If you're going to make such a claim, you sure as hell better back it up with an examples because I find it awfully hard to believe that that Pedro, just off the boat from Guatemala, will be able to walk into the HR department at Proctor and Gamble and successfully land a job by saying "I am worthy of gainful employment and will be a valuable resource to your commercial enterprise once I have mastered the Queen's English."

No one benefits by not speaking English in America.

Perhaps a better question for Dave to ask is what happened to the times when immigrants were happy to shed the binds of their former homeland to become English-speaking Americans?

And when were these? In Appleton a German language newspaper was published between 1871 and 1932. Does this mean Telemundo gets to stay on the air for 60 years too?

I simply ask why should I, a taxpaying citizen whose father served 20 years in our nations military, have to "Push 1 for English"?

If, as a member of the armed services, Ms. Carlson's father was stationed abroad this would certainly add a new dimension of insight to this letter. But there is no suggestion that this is the case. The previous service record of a family member is in no way germane to an argument that has absolutely nothing to do with the military. Ms. Carlson is simply using this tid bit to reinforce her patriotic bona fides despite the fact that it is utterly irrelevant to the argument.

And if she's really interested in knowing why she has to spend a whole 5 seconds listening to an automated voice instruct her to "Press 1 for English," I'd be happy to provide her with an explanation: Business exist to make money. Successful ones will make it as easy as humanly possible for someone to give them money. No one hands over their hard-earned cash if they don't know why they're doing it and overcoming the language barrier is the most basic way to overcome this deficit.

I doubt this will be the end of the discussion. I'm sure someone else will have found offense at Johnson's letter and there'll be some immigration demagoguery that sounds vaguely derivative of the standard taking points made by a few political leaders and members of the media. If you are planning on doing so, please keep in mind that this is basically "culture baiting," the bastard child of race baiting (which is no longer acceptable, thank God). Conservative culture warriors have been doing this kind of thing for generations and usually do it when they find themselves in trouble, so if you're looking to get bent out of shape over immigration, you might want to hold off until a Little Honduras starts sprouting up in your living room, because until then you're just going to be propping up someone who likely doesn't seriously care all that much abut immigration in the first place and isn't likely to do much about it in the future.