Monday, December 31, 2012

Glenn Grothman's Epistle to the Bigots

I bet most of you didn't know we here at the Chief are amateur archaeologists?

As it happens, we were in the Holy Land during this winter break digging through some dirt when we found a clay jar containing this centuries old letter from a Roman Senator to a group of bureaucratic functionaries in Judea. Below is a rough translation from the original  Latin. Judging by the syntax and ancientness of the author's ideas, we've determined it was written in the third or forth century.


Why Must We Still Hear About the Christ-mas?
Why are hard-core religious fanatics still trying to talk about the Christ-mas -- the supposed post-Jewish holiday celebration between the Saturnalia and the Aesculapio? 
As has been well publicized, the Christ-mas is not some Roman tradition. It was invented in the third year of the reign of the Emperor Trajan to celebrate Jesus of Nazareth, a filthy Jew of peasant birth who wasn't even from Nazareth, but was actually born in Bethlehem (and we all know what kind of filth comes from that corner of the Empire!) who founded something called "Christianity" for reasons I don't care to concern myself with any further. This group, often referred to as the "Christians" is even more radical than the Jews which have troubled our Empire from the top of Mount Mossada! Some Christians have even been imprisoned and eventually put to death in Rome, Alexandria, Patras and Jerusalem for inciting the populace against the Empire with their message of cultural and social revolution. Jesus himself is said to have advocated armed insurrection when he proclaimed: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." 
Jesus of "Nazareth" was a racist who believed he was somehow the culmination of Judaism, so he founded a religion his followers claimed to "perfect" the "Word of God" as passed down in the scriptures of the Jews. He also hated having to buy oil to refill his menorah every winter -- hence Christ-mas. 
Of course, almost no true Roman in the Judean Provence today cares about the Christ-mas -- just those sympathetic to the false counselors of the Emperor Constantine who try to shove this false holiday down the throats of Roman citizens in an effort to divide the Empire. Irresponsible public school districts such as Thessalonia and Rhodes (and who knows how many others!) try to tell a new generation that Christians can have a separate holiday than Romans.  
A renegade Roman, formerly known as Saul and the chief spokesman for the Christians, though long since put to the sword for his crimes against the Empire, encouraged people to learn more about the Christ-mas in letters written during the reign of Emperor Vespasian. Fortunately, almost all Romans ignore Saul and his ilk and their efforts to divide the Empire. 
But why do they do it? They don't like the Empire and seek to destroy it by pretending that its values as dictated by the Emperor and his appointed prelates don't apply to everyone. Mainstream Romans must be more outspoken on this issue. It's time the Christ-mas is slapped down once and for all! With tens of millions of honorable Romans in our country's past, we should not let a violent nut like Jesus of Nazareth to speak for them. The temples ought to be particularly appalled since Jesus of Nazareth taught that all men were welcome to join him in the afterlife, a brazen attempt to steal away Romans from the gods of our fathers!  
Be on the lookout for anyone who tries to tell your children or grandchildren the Christ-mas is a real holiday! 
Strength and Honor, 
Glenmarius Homonomicus Grothmanicus



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